Book Notes #13: Build Your Dream Network by J. Kelly Hoey

Title: Build Your Dream Network: Forging Powerful Relationships in a Hyper-Connected World
Author: J. Kelly Hoey
Year: 2017
Pages: 256

When most people hear the word “networking,” they either cringe or roll their eyes. It brings up images of awkward events, forced small talk, and business cards that lead nowhere. But what if networking isn’t about any of that?

What if it’s really about how you show up—consistently, clearly, and generously?

In Build Your Dream Network, J. Kelly Hoey flips the old-school idea of networking on its head and shows us how to create meaningful relationships that actually matter.

Whether you’re changing careers, growing a business, or just trying to be more intentional about your connections, this book gives you a modern, no-fluff approach to making your network work for you.

As a result, I gave this book a rating of 6.5/10.

For me, a book with a note 10 is one I consider reading again every year. Among the books I rank with 10, for example, are How to Win Friends and Influence People and Factfulness.

3 Reasons to Read Build Your Dream Network

Book Overview

Imagine walking into a crowded room, drink in hand, and awkwardly pushing out business cards while making forced small talk. If that’s what comes to mind when you hear the word “networking,” J. Kelly Hoey has a message for you: you’re doing it wrong.

In Build Your Dream Network, Hoey doesn’t just challenge the traditional rules of networking—she turns them inside out.

The book starts with a simple but powerful truth: your network is your infrastructure. It’s not something you use only when you need a job or want to launch a business. It’s something you build steadily, intentionally, and with purpose—long before you ever need to “use” it. And unlike the old rules of networking that revolved around awkward events and aggressive self-promotion, Hoey presents a new mindset: one that’s rooted in generosity, trust, clarity, and real human connection.

What makes this book so refreshing is how personal and honest it is. Hoey doesn’t talk theory. She shares her own career story—how she moved from being a lawyer to becoming a startup advisor, speaker, and investor—all because she built relationships that opened doors. Not overnight. Not by chance. But because she showed up, followed up, and stayed consistent with her goals. She didn’t wait until she was ready or perfectly positioned. She started building her dream network with what she had, where she was, one conversation at a time.

Throughout the book, Hoey weaves in real-life stories that show what great networking looks like—and what it doesn’t. There’s the colleague who reached out after seven years without even checking her LinkedIn profile. The startup founders who begged for last-minute funding help from a network they had never engaged with. And then there are the subtle but smart connectors—people who make thoughtful introductions, follow up without being asked, and share their journey openly so others can root for them.

One of the biggest ideas from the book is that networking is not about the number of people you know—it’s about how aligned your connections are with your goals. You don’t need a huge contact list. You need a few people who really know what you’re working on, who trust you, and who are willing to go to bat for you. That requires clarity. You need to be specific in what you’re asking for, thoughtful in how you approach people, and consistent in how you show up—online and offline.

Technology plays a big role too, but Hoey is clear: digital platforms are tools, not solutions. LinkedIn, Twitter, email—they’re only helpful if you use them to build real relationships. A tweet without follow-up, a connection request without context, or an introduction without a reason is just noise. Networking in the digital age demands the same etiquette as the real world—sometimes even more.

What makes this book land so well is how practical it feels. You don’t walk away with fluff. You walk away knowing that small, intentional actions—like thanking someone properly, following up after a meeting, or helping without expecting a return—are the things that compound over time. You realize that a networking emergency (like urgently needing a contact for a job or investor pitch) is often a symptom of months—or years—of neglect.

And maybe that’s the heart of this book. Networking isn’t a crisis response. It’s a way of being. A way of showing up in the world with curiosity, clarity, and care for others. It’s about putting people first, not platforms. Conversations over cold emails. Consistency over cleverness. The long game, not a quick win.

10 Things You Can Start Doing Right Now to Improve Your Network (Inspired by the Book)

1. Start with a goal. Know what you’re working toward and let that guide your networking efforts.
2. Reconnect with five people this week—genuinely, not just because you need something.
3. Keep your online profiles updated. Make it easy for others to know what you’re up to.
4. Be specific when you ask for help. Don’t say, “Can we chat?” Say, “Can I get your thoughts on X?”
5. Follow up after every meaningful interaction. A quick thank-you note goes a long way.
6. Offer help without being asked. Share a resource, an introduction, or a kind word.
7. Stop waiting until you’re ready—networking is part of how you get ready.
8. Build relationships across levels. Don’t just chase the big names—peer connections matter deeply.
9. Say “thank you” often, and mean it. Gratitude is networking glue.
10. Keep showing up—even when you think you don’t need to. Especially then.

7 Networking Habits to Avoid (Also Straight from the Book’s Lessons)

1. Hitting pause on your networking just because something promising is in the works.
2. Reaching out only when you need something. That’s not a relationship—it’s a transaction.
3. Sending vague messages like “let’s catch up” with no context or purpose.
4. Making blind introductions without asking permission or giving background.
5. Failing to follow up after someone helps you. It damages trust fast.
6. Oversharing irrelevant personal info online—or worse, ranting publicly.
7. Thinking quantity matters more than quality. Big network, shallow connections? Not helpful.

Chapter by Chapter

Chapter 1 – Build Your Network

The first chapter of Build Your Dream Network is all about rewriting what we think networking really means. J. Kelly Hoey opens with a truth bomb: most people still picture networking as something awkward and self-serving, like exchanging business cards just to see what someone can do for you. But she pushes back hard against that image. To her, networking isn’t about schmoozing at events or collecting contacts—it’s about building something strong, human, and purposeful. She even redefines the word using the literal idea of a “net”—a woven structure built over time, with regular, intentional connections.

What makes this chapter powerful is how Hoey ties her own career story to the bigger message. Every major leap she made—from leaving corporate law to becoming an investor and startup advisor—was made possible by her network. She emphasizes that relationships, not job ads or random luck, are what fueled her path. But here’s the catch: none of it was accidental. She spent 18 months building a completely new professional network when she decided to shift careers, focusing specifically on people in legal management and attorney development. The big takeaway? Your network needs to align with your goals. It’s not just about who you know; it’s about who knows what you’re working toward.

Hoey also introduces a crucial mindset shift—networking is work, and it requires what she calls “strategic curiosity.” In a world of instant answers and quick clicks, she challenges readers to slow down and be intentional. That includes everything from your email signature to your LinkedIn bio. These are all networking touchpoints that speak for you when you’re not in the room. And perhaps most importantly, she drives home the idea that networking is not about platforms or tools—it’s about people. You can’t “hack” relationships. You build them by showing up, giving forward, and staying consistent. Whether you’re planning a career change or scaling a new project, your network is the infrastructure that supports the journey.

Chapter 2 – Get Your Head in the Networking Game

In Chapter 2 of Build Your Dream Network, J. Kelly Hoey explores the modern challenges of networking in a noisy, hyper-connected world. With so many ways to communicate and so much content competing for our attention, Hoey highlights the importance of staying focused and intentional in your networking efforts. In a world flooded with 205 billion emails daily and countless social media notifications, the real challenge is cutting through the noise and being heard. Networking, she argues, is about being purposeful, not just participating in endless events or adding more contacts to your list.

One of the key insights here is the importance of understanding why you’re networking. Hoey uses the concept of a “Why Filter”—a mental check that helps separate truly valuable networking opportunities from distractions. Asking why before committing to any event or connection forces you to evaluate if it aligns with your goals, if it adds value, or if it’s simply a time-wasting activity. This is crucial in a world of FOMO (fear of missing out) where the temptation is to attend every event or join every social group. Instead, Hoey suggests that by focusing on your “why,” you can filter out noise and ensure that your networking efforts are purposeful and aligned with your career or personal ambitions.

She also addresses a common misconception: that networking is only for extroverts or those who enjoy large crowds. By interviewing introverts like Manisha Thakor, Hoey shows that even those who dread traditional networking events can succeed by focusing on the quality of their connections rather than the quantity. The chapter wraps up with a powerful reminder that networking isn’t just about collecting business cards—it’s about building lasting relationships and staying true to your goals, whether it’s helping others, expanding your reach, or accessing new opportunities.

Chapter 3 – How and Where to Start

In Chapter 3, Build Your Dream Network shifts to the practical side of things—now that we’ve debunked old networking rules and clarified values, it’s time to get started. Hoey emphasizes that knowing your goal is the first essential step. Without a clear direction, your networking efforts will be aimless, just like wandering around a party without knowing anyone or why you’re there. The core idea here is that networking isn’t something you do for the sake of doing it. You need a clear target, whether it’s a career milestone, a new project, or a personal goal. Once you know what you’re after, you can focus your networking efforts on connecting with the right people who will help you get there.

What makes this chapter stand out is the emphasis on taking control of your networking destiny. Hoey offers a refreshing perspective: networking isn’t about waiting for introductions or letting luck decide your path. It’s about being proactive and strategic. The first step is to set a goal. Whether it’s landing a job in a new city or launching a passion project, that goal will drive everything else. The chapter presents the idea that someone, somewhere, has faced your challenges or knows someone who has. Networking gives you the advantage of learning from others’ experiences and connecting with the people who can help move your goal forward.

The chapter also introduces expert insights, such as the story of Jessica Peltz-Zatulove, who landed her first job in New York not by hoping for luck but by intentionally researching and connecting with industry leaders. It’s a powerful example of how intentional networking leads to success. Hoey also stresses that this process of building your network should be gradual—over months or even years. It’s about purposefully expanding your circle of influence, connecting with people who align with your career vision. This chapter sets the foundation for the next steps in building meaningful and productive relationships, ensuring that your networking efforts aren’t just busy work but real steps toward achieving your goals.

Chapter 4 – Clubs, Crowds, Committees, and Cohorts

In Chapter 4 of Build Your Dream Network, J. Kelly Hoey dives into the concept of communities, groups, and networking circles. With the rise of social media and online platforms, it’s easier than ever to find a group or community to join. But not all networks are created equal. Hoey shares her experience with 85 Broads (now Ellevate), a global business-networking group she initially hesitated to join but later found invaluable. She had already been involved in several committees and industry associations, but joining this specific group made a real difference in her career. The key takeaway here is that the value of a network doesn’t come from just being a member—it comes from how deeply you engage with it and what you put into it.

What’s fascinating in this chapter is how Hoey emphasizes the voluntary nature of group participation. Joining a group is easy, but truly contributing is where the real benefits lie. She highlights how her active involvement with 85 Broads—offering help at events and connecting with the group beyond just attending meetings—led to more opportunities and deeper relationships. This mindset shift is powerful because it challenges the typical approach to networking. It’s not enough to just sign up; you have to show up and engage meaningfully.

Hoey also introduces the idea that building a valuable community is about collaboration and shared purpose. She gives the example of Tina Roth Eisenberg, the founder of CreativeMornings, whose networking group grew out of a shared passion for creativity and collaboration. By fostering an environment where members could connect over a common interest—without the pressure of transactional expectations—CreativeMornings flourished. This chapter illustrates that networks rooted in generosity, where members truly support each other, are the ones that deliver lasting value.

In short, this chapter challenges us to rethink the traditional view of networking groups. It’s not just about collecting people for the sake of a larger network—it’s about creating a purposeful, collaborative community where everyone is committed to helping each other succeed. Hoey emphasizes that, if done right, these kinds of communities can provide tremendous opportunities for both personal and professional growth.

Chapter 5 – Networking in the Digital Age

Chapter 5 of Build Your Dream Network takes a deep dive into the intersection of technology and networking, discussing how digital platforms can both enhance and complicate the process. Hoey emphasizes that, while technology has opened up a wealth of opportunities for connection, it’s crucial to find a balance between online and in-person interactions. The chapter warns against relying too heavily on one or the other. Social media and digital platforms like Twitter, LinkedIn, and Facebook can help expand your reach, but Hoey argues that they should be seen as tools to facilitate real-world connections, not substitutes for them.

One of the key takeaways here is the importance of understanding how people interact on social media. Hoey suggests that technology can provide valuable insights into how people communicate and what they care about. By observing how your network and potential connections engage with platforms, you can better understand how to approach them and what kind of relationship to build. She highlights the example of a 70-year-old grandmother who’s an avid NFL fan and tech user, showing that anyone, regardless of age, can be part of the digital conversation if you’re paying attention to how they use technology.

The chapter also addresses the shifting nature of social media usage, particularly how Hoey’s own approach to platforms like LinkedIn has evolved over time. Early on, she aggressively built a network, adding as many contacts as possible, but she later became more selective as her career advanced. She stresses the importance of not only building connections but maintaining them with care, asking yourself whether you can vouch for someone before making an introduction. Hoey’s advice is to treat each connection with respect, understanding that these relationships are not just for the short term but can serve as a foundation for long-term collaboration and growth.

This chapter is a great reminder that, in the digital age, networking is not just about being visible online—it’s about how you show up, engage, and genuinely connect with others both in digital spaces and in real life.

Chapter 6 – Connecting the Dots

In Chapter 6 of Build Your Dream Network, J. Kelly Hoey introduces the concept of “connecting the dots,” which is about strategically linking your goals with the right people in your network. She emphasizes that networking isn’t about randomly reaching out to everyone in your contacts list; it’s about being intentional and thoughtful. It’s crucial to know exactly what you want to achieve and identify the people in your network who can help you get there. Hoey stresses the importance of being clear about your needs before you ask for help, so your network doesn’t have to guess what you’re looking for.

Hoey uses her own career change as an example of how she successfully navigated a transition with the help of her network, not by applying to random job ads. She explains that by clearly defining her goal and seeking out the right connections, she was able to build the path to a new career. This is key: networking is about asking for specific help from people who can give it, not sending out vague, generalized requests. Hoey’s advice is to be considerate of your network’s time—don’t waste it with broad requests. Instead, do your homework, be specific in your ask, and always follow up. She also discusses how important it is to stay in touch with your contacts and maintain your relationships, so when you do need help, people are already familiar with your goals and are more likely to support you.

The chapter also dives into examples like Manisha Thakor, who effectively used media and public relations as a networking tool. Hoey explains how important it is to position yourself as an expert in your field and share your expertise regularly. This helps to ensure that your network sees you as a go-to person for valuable insights. Finally, Hoey discusses crowdfunding, where many entrepreneurs overlook the value of their existing network. Instead of reaching out to strangers, the founders could have activated their current network, tapping into their own connections to secure funding.

The chapter ends with a powerful reminder: networking isn’t just about who you know—it’s about who knows what you know. Regularly share your goals and progress with your network, and connect your ambitions to the right people to help you move forward.

Chapter 7 – Networking #Fail

This chapter is a wake-up call. J. Kelly Hoey gets real about all the ways networking can go wrong—and how even small missteps can break trust, waste time, or close doors. She opens with a cringe-worthy Sunday night moment, when a former colleague reached out after seven years with a vague request for coffee. The problem wasn’t just the time gap—it was the lack of care. The person hadn’t even checked her profile before reaching out. For Hoey, this is a classic example of a networking fail: making a connection without doing the homework, wasting someone’s time, and expecting help without context or clarity.

The chapter dives deep into other common mistakes—like only reaching out when you need something, asking for vague favors, or failing to follow up. Hoey warns against being what she calls a “Death Eater” (a fun Harry Potter reference), the kind of person who constantly asks but never gives back. Another fail: the dreaded “dump and drive” intro email, where someone connects two people without asking permission or explaining why they should meet. That kind of careless move can damage your relationships instead of building them. Hoey also highlights the importance of clear and respectful digital communication—don’t send panicked 911 messages when you’re in crisis, and don’t expect your network to magically step in if you haven’t kept them informed along the way.

She offers a ton of practical reminders: always take a recruiter’s call, even if the job’s not for you—it might be for someone in your network. Don’t drop people once they succeed and suddenly seem “useful.” Don’t overshare or rant online. Say thank you. And never forget to follow up after someone helps you. All these little actions shape how people see you—and whether they’ll be eager to help next time. This chapter might sting a bit, but it’s full of tough love. The message is clear: networking done wrong isn’t just ineffective—it’s damaging. But the good news? Every mistake she lists can be fixed with a little more care, consistency, and human decency.

Chapter 8 – Test, Fail, Learn, and Scale

The final chapter of Build Your Dream Network is a call to action. J. Kelly Hoey wraps up the book by encouraging readers not just to understand networking differently—but to actually do it differently. She reminds us that networking isn’t about waiting until you’re perfectly ready or when the timing feels ideal. It’s about starting now, experimenting, making mistakes, and learning as you go. The “new networking,” she says, is open, fast-moving, and peer-driven. But it still depends on timeless principles: etiquette, clarity, generosity, and consistency. No matter how digital or decentralized our world becomes, the human side of networking—respect, intention, and follow-through—remains critical.

One of the strongest points Hoey makes is that you should never “pause” your networking, even when it feels like you’re close to landing something. She shares a cautionary tale about a friend who halted all other efforts while waiting for one promising job lead—only to have it stall out. It set him back months. Her advice is clear: keep going. Don’t hit pause just because you think you’re close. Stay in motion, stay connected. And when you inevitably make networking mistakes—like oversharing online, ghosting follow-ups, or making rushed introductions without context—it’s okay. The point is to learn from those errors, not to give up.

Hoey also offers practical advice for managing your networking time and energy: audit your commitments, be clear on your goals, and regularly review whether your efforts still align with what you want. She encourages readers to adopt a mindset of curiosity, to blend online and offline efforts, and to stop committing “random acts of networking.” Most importantly, she urges us to take ownership of our careers—treating ourselves like entrepreneurs, building our network strategically, and using every tool at our disposal. The three closing Ps she adds—persistence, planning, and politeness—are a perfect final touch. In a world that’s constantly changing, the way forward is to be human, be intentional, and be connected.

4 Key Ideas from Build Your Dream Network

6 Main Lessons from Build Your Dream Network

My Book Highlights & Quotes

You can’t just sit back and think magic will happen—you gotta enthusiastically wave your wand, and put some tricks up your sleeve

New networking necessitates carefully cultivating relationships made with the help of close, trusted contacts, then casting a wider net beyond that immediate circle of trust. It is the intentional pursuit of a goal, one networking act achieved by multiple, focused networking actions

Whether you’re an entrepreneur or a job seeker, you need to throw your networking net far and wide; otherwise you risk limiting your opportunities to the boundaries of your existing networks

New networking tactics are not just for individuals: to be successful, corporations need to embrace social platforms, transform closed office environments into collaborative workspaces, and examine the networks they’ll need to nurture to conduct business in the years to come

Whether it is changing careers or changing the world, an idea without a network will probably never become reality

A tap or a swipe is not the foundation for trust. It’s all about staying focused on people

What I do know about networking is this: It is an essential and continuous activity. You control the effort – but not the outcome. Networking is everywhere

Whether you’re doing it in person or online, all networking is about further engaging with people. You are “weaving online and offline interactions into an integrated networking whole

Conclusion

Build Your Dream Network isn’t about learning how to work a room—it’s about learning how to work with people, with care and intention.

It teaches that your best opportunities won’t come from a magical moment or perfect pitch, but from showing up, giving forward, and keeping your relationships alive over time.

Whether you’re an introvert, jobseeker, entrepreneur, or just tired of shallow networking advice, this book brings it all down to earth—and reminds you that trust, clarity, and kindness still matter most.

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