Book Notes #118: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

Title: Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
Author: Charles Duhigg
Year: 2024
Pages: 320

I really believe that good communication is like a superpower. The best communicators understand something important: every conversation actually involves three parts—the practical (What’s this about?), the emotional (How do we feel?), and the social (Who are we to each other?).

If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, it’s easy to get lost or misunderstood.

In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg explains exactly how some people manage to communicate clearly and understand others so easily. He shows that every conversation is shaped by our feelings, experiences, and relationships—whether it’s about picking up the kids or handling tricky situations at work.

What I really love about this book is the way Duhigg uses stories and real-life examples. He takes us behind the scenes of shows like The Big Bang Theory, into jury deliberations, and even inside marriage counseling sessions. Through these stories, he shows clearly how we can become better at noticing the hidden layers beneath every conversation.

For me, this book feels practical and relatable. It helps you understand why certain conversations work, why some fail, and how you can become someone who truly listens—and gets heard—in any situation.

As a result, I gave this book a rating of 9.5/10.

For me, a book with a note 10 is one I consider reading again every year. Among the books I rank with 10, for example, are How to Win Friends and Influence People and Factfulness.

3 Reasons to Read Supercommunicators

Book Overview

Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg is a book all about improving how we communicate with others.

The main idea is that we always have three conversations.

There are practical, decision-making conversations that focus on What’s This Really About?

There are emotional conversations, which ask How Do We Feel?

And there are social conversations that explore Who Are We?

We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds.

However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other.

What’s This Really About? The Decision Making Mindset

The first way we approach conversation is through what we call the “decision-making mindset.” This mindset kicks in when we’re focused on practical matters, asking ourselves, “What’s This Really About?”

For example, when someone asks, “How can we improve Sam’s grades?” our brain’s frontal control network, which is like the command center for our thoughts and actions, becomes active. We start making decisions, sometimes without even realizing it. We evaluate not only the words being said but also the underlying motives or intentions. Questions like, “Is this conversation serious or casual?” and “Should I offer a solution or simply listen?” arise.

The “What’s This Really About?” conversation is crucial for planning ahead, weighing options, engaging in intellectual discussions, and deciding what topics to focus on, our objectives for the conversation, and the best approach to take.

How Do We Feel? The Emotional Mindset

The second way we engage in conversation is what we refer to as the “emotional mindset.” This mindset comes into play when we’re discussing our feelings – essentially asking ourselves, “How Do We Feel?” It taps into various neural structures such as the nucleus accumbens, the amygdala, and the hippocampus, which shape our beliefs, emotions, and memories.

When we share a humorous anecdote, argue with our partner, or feel a surge of pride or sadness during a conversation, we’re operating within the emotional mindset.

For instance, when a friend vents about their boss and we sense they’re seeking empathy rather than advice, it’s because we’re tuned into understanding “How Do We Feel?”

Who Are We? The Social Mindset

The third way we engage in conversation is what we call the “social mindset.” This is when we talk about our relationships, how others perceive us, and how we see ourselves in the social sphere.

These are essentially discussions about “Who Are We?” When we gossip about work dynamics, discuss mutual acquaintances, or delve into how our backgrounds shape us, our brains are in what neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman calls the default mode network.

This network is responsible for how we think about others, ourselves, and our place in society.

Research published in the journal Human Nature in 1997 revealed that a whopping 70 percent of our conversations revolve around social topics.

This means that during these discussions, our social mindset is always influencing what we hear and what we say.

Misunderstandings often arise when people are engaging in different types of conversations. Imagine you’re expressing your feelings while I’m offering practical solutions – it’s like we’re speaking different cognitive languages.

That’s why, when you vent about your boss driving you crazy and your wife respond with a practical suggestion like inviting them to lunch, it can lead to conflict instead of connection.

You might just be seeking empathy rather than a solution.

When we match someone’s mindset, a permission is granted: To enter another person’s head, to see the world through their eyes, to understand what they care about and need.

Supercommunicators starts by explaining the importance of understanding your audience. He says that knowing who you’re talking to helps you tailor your message to them.

This means considering their needs, interests, and beliefs before speaking.

Next, Duhigg talks about the power of stories. He explains how stories can capture people’s attention and make them more likely to remember what you’ve said. He encourages readers to use stories in their own communication to make their messages stick.

Duhigg also discusses the role of emotions in communication. He says that tapping into people’s emotions can make your message more persuasive. He gives examples of how to do this effectively, such as by using vivid language and personal anecdotes.

One of the most important aspects of emotional communication is showing others we hear their emotions, which helps us reciprocate. There’s a technique for this—looping for understanding. Here’s how it works:

• Ask questions, to make sure you understand what someone has said.
• Repeat back, in your own words, what you heard.
• Ask if you got it right.
• Continue until everyone agrees we understand.

Another key point Duhigg makes is the importance of simplicity. He says that complex messages are harder for people to understand and remember. Instead, he advises readers to keep their communication clear and concise.

One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others’ gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect.

They pay attention to whether someone’s posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are so excited they can barely contain it.

Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align.

They help us see and hear our feelings via their own bodies and voices. By matching our mood and energy, they make it obvious they are trying to connect.

Chapter by Chapter

The Three Kinds of Conversation

The book opens with the story of Felix Sigala, a top FBI negotiator known for making people feel heard. Felix’s superpower wasn’t just being charming—it was his ability to connect with anyone, from fugitives to grieving families. Scientists studying persuasion and communication were fascinated by him because he didn’t rely on manipulation or trickery. Instead, he focused on creating an atmosphere of trust by asking the right questions, listening deeply, and matching the emotional tone of a conversation.

This sets up the central idea of the book: the best communicators, or supercommunicators, aren’t necessarily the most charismatic or talkative. They’re the ones who know how to have the right kind of conversation at the right time.

The Three Kinds of Conversation

Duhigg introduces a simple but powerful framework: all conversations fall into one (or more) of three categories:

1. What’s This Really About? – These conversations focus on decisions, plans, or figuring out what needs to be done.
2. How Do We Feel? – Emotional conversations that revolve around feelings, empathy, and understanding.
3. Who Are We? – Conversations about identity, social roles, and how we relate to each other.

The problem is that most people don’t realize they’re having different kinds of conversations at the same time. For example, if a friend complains about their boss, they might be looking for emotional support (How Do We Feel?), but if you jump in with solutions (What’s This Really About?), they’ll feel unheard. Supercommunicators, on the other hand, instinctively recognize which type of conversation is happening and adjust their responses accordingly.

The Matching Principle

A major reason why some people seem naturally gifted at communication is what Duhigg calls the Matching Principle. This means that effective conversations happen when people synchronize—not just in words, but in emotions, tone, and body language.

He shares the story of Jim Lawler, a CIA case officer who initially struggled to recruit spies. He kept failing because he was focused on logic and incentives (What’s This Really About?), while his targets were making decisions based on emotion (How Do We Feel?). It wasn’t until he learned to genuinely connect with people, sharing his own vulnerabilities and listening to theirs, that he became successful.

Neuroscience backs this up. Studies show that when people truly connect in a conversation, their brain activity starts to sync up—this is called neural entrainment. It explains why some conversations feel effortless and others feel frustrating. Supercommunicators create this synchronization naturally, helping others feel comfortable and understood.

The Three Mindsets

Each conversation type activates a different mental mode:

• Decision-making mindset – Used in What’s This Really About? conversations, where logic and problem-solving take priority.
• Emotional mindset – Activated in How Do We Feel? conversations, which focus on feelings and empathy.
• Social mindset – Comes into play in Who Are We? conversations, which are about relationships and identity.

Miscommunication happens when people are in different mindsets without realizing it. For example, a couple discussing a stressful day—one wants empathy (How Do We Feel?), while the other offers solutions (What’s This Really About?)—will feel disconnected. Supercommunicators recognize when this mismatch is happening and shift gears accordingly.

A Guide to Using These Ideas: The Four Rules for a Meaningful Conversation

Duhigg lays out four key behaviors that supercommunicators follow:

1. Identify what kind of conversation is happening. Before speaking, pause and ask yourself: Are we making a decision? Expressing emotions? Talking about identity?
2. Ask more questions. Supercommunicators don’t just listen passively; they ask open-ended questions to understand others better.
3. Make emotions visible. People connect when they can see what others are feeling—whether through tone, body language, or shared experiences.
4. Encourage a learning conversation. The best conversations help both people understand each other’s perspective rather than trying to “win” or prove a point.

Supercommunicators don’t just react—they shape conversations by noticing what others need and adjusting their approach. Whether it’s a negotiation, a tough work discussion, or an emotional talk with a friend, the goal is always the same: create connection.

The “What’s This Really About?” Conversation

Conversations often start in a messy, awkward way. We’re making quick decisions—should I interrupt? Should I crack a joke? What’s the right tone? But beneath the surface, there’s always a deeper, more important question: What’s this really about?

This type of conversation has two key goals. First, it helps everyone figure out what they truly need from the discussion. Second, it establishes the unspoken rules of engagement—how decisions will be made, what’s acceptable, and who has a say. If this conversation doesn’t happen, the discussion can feel frustrating and directionless.

We’ve all been there—walking away from a meeting or a tough conversation thinking, We weren’t even talking about the same thing or We just talked in circles and got nowhere. The key is to recognize when a What’s This Really About? conversation is happening and learn how to steer it in a productive direction.

Every Conversation is a Negotiation

To illustrate this, Duhigg introduces the case of Leroy Reed, a man on trial for illegally purchasing a firearm. Reed, an ex-convict with severe cognitive impairments, had no real intent to commit a crime—he simply misunderstood the law. The jury’s job was seemingly straightforward: determine if he met three legal criteria. But the conversation in the jury room quickly turned into something deeper—a debate about justice, fairness, and what the law should be.

This is the essence of What’s This Really About? conversations. On the surface, a discussion might seem to be about one thing—facts, decisions, rules—but underneath, people are negotiating over something much more meaningful. In the jury room, some jurors wanted to follow the strict letter of the law, while others wanted to consider Reed’s intent and moral responsibility.

Supercommunicators recognize that these hidden negotiations are always happening. When people talk about logistics, money, or policies, they’re often also negotiating identity, values, and fairness—whether they realize it or not.

How Do We Decide What to Talk About?

Have you ever been in a conversation that started about one thing but quickly shifted? Maybe a meeting about budgets turned into a debate about company values. Or a conversation with your partner about household chores spiraled into a discussion about fairness and respect.

That’s because every discussion involves an invisible back-and-forth where people negotiate not just what to talk about, but how to talk about it.

Duhigg explains that this process is often subconscious. People test the waters—telling a joke, making a casual comment, dropping a hint—to see what topics will gain traction. If we don’t pay attention to these signals, we risk missing what’s really important.

For example, if someone complains about their boss, they might not actually want advice—they might be looking for emotional validation. If you jump straight to problem-solving, the conversation might feel frustrating and disconnected. Supercommunicators are good at spotting these cues and adapting their responses.

How a Surgeon Learned to Communicate

Duhigg shares the story of Dr. Behfar Ehdaie, a leading prostate cancer surgeon, who struggled to get his patients to follow his advice. He would carefully explain why active surveillance was often the best course of action, providing data and logic. But many patients still insisted on unnecessary surgery.

It wasn’t until he spoke with negotiation expert Deepak Malhotra that he realized his mistake—he was assuming he knew what his patients wanted. He thought they needed facts and logical reasoning. But in reality, they were often grappling with emotional fears: What will my family think? Am I risking my life?

By asking open-ended questions—What does this diagnosis mean to you? What worries you the most?—he discovered what truly mattered to them. This transformed his conversations. Within six months, 30% fewer of his patients opted for unnecessary surgery.

The lesson? Instead of assuming what people need, supercommunicators ask questions to uncover their true concerns.

The Supercommunicator in the Jury Room

Back in the jury room, John Boly, a literature professor, instinctively understands this. Instead of jumping to conclusions, he starts asking questions: What do you think of handguns? What is justice? What did you notice about Reed’s testimony?

As he listens, he categorizes his fellow jurors—some focus on morality, others on legal technicalities, and some just want to be done quickly. By understanding what each juror values, he shapes the conversation in a way that helps them find common ground.

This is a crucial skill: when we take the time to understand what others need from a conversation, we can guide it toward a more productive outcome.

A Negotiator’s Goal is Expanding the Pie

Duhigg introduces the concept of interest-based bargaining, a negotiation strategy pioneered at Harvard. Instead of treating discussions as a win-lose battle, the best negotiators look for ways to expand the conversation—introducing new angles, exploring alternatives, and uncovering shared interests.

Boly does exactly this in the jury room. He reframes the conversation from “Is Reed guilty?” to “What kind of justice system do we want to uphold?” By shifting the discussion, he opens the door for new possibilities.

This principle applies to everyday life. If you’re stuck in a disagreement, try broadening the scope of the conversation. Introduce a different perspective, bring in a new angle, or ask a question that shifts the focus.

How Persuasion Happens

Duhigg explains that there are two types of logic people use to make decisions:

1. The logic of costs and benefits – Focused on facts, pros and cons, and practical decision-making.
2. The logic of similarities – Based on emotions, past experiences, and identity.

Some people respond better to data and reasoning. Others are more persuaded by stories, personal connections, and values. The mistake many people make is using the wrong logic for the situation—trying to convince someone with facts when they’re looking for emotional reassurance, or vice versa.

When Boly realizes that some jurors are in an emotional mindset, he shifts his approach. Instead of arguing logic, he tells a story: Imagine what it felt like for Reed to buy that gun. Imagine how he saw it. This narrative makes the case for acquittal far more persuasive than any legal technicality could.

The Negotiation Concludes

As the deliberation continues, the jurors begin to change their minds. One by one, they start seeing the case differently—not because of facts alone, but because they’ve connected emotionally. Eventually, even the last holdout, Karl, begins to reconsider.

Boly doesn’t push Karl directly. Instead, he appeals to what Karl values most—public safety. He argues that acquitting Reed sends a message to prosecutors: focus on real criminals, not technicalities. This logical argument finally shifts Karl’s perspective.

After two and a half hours of deliberation, the jury votes: Not guilty.

Key Takeaways

• Every conversation is a negotiation—not about winning, but about figuring out what everyone truly wants and how decisions will be made.
• People communicate their priorities subtly through hints, tone, and non-verbal cues. Supercommunicators pay attention to these signals.
• Asking open-ended questions reveals what people really care about.
• There are two types of logic—rational and emotional. Matching the right logic to the situation makes persuasion more effective.
• Expanding the conversation—introducing new perspectives and reframing the discussion—often leads to better outcomes.

This chapter is a masterclass in how to navigate tricky discussions. The next part of the book will explore how to recognize and adapt to the How Do We Feel? conversation—where emotions, rather than facts, take center stage.

The How Do We Feel? Conversation

Emotions shape every conversation, whether we realize it or not. They influence what we say, how we say it, and how we interpret what others tell us. Every conversation is, at its core, a discussion about How Do We Feel?

Because emotions are so fundamental, this section of the book focuses on how to navigate emotional conversations effectively. It highlights the importance of deep listening, recognizing unspoken emotions, and creating a safe environment for open discussions. The goal is to unlock a deeper level of communication where people feel heard and understood.

The Listening Cure

Duhigg introduces Nicholas Epley, a psychology professor who studied why people fail to hear what others are truly saying. He conducted an experiment with hedge fund managers—people whose careers depend on picking up subtle cues in conversations. They attended a workshop expecting to learn tactical listening techniques, but instead, Epley showed them that true listening isn’t about nodding, maintaining eye contact, or smiling—it’s about making conversations more interesting and meaningful.

Epley’s research suggests that when people talk about emotions, others naturally tune in. This is because discussing feelings creates a sense of connection. In the business world, missing emotional cues can be costly. A hedge fund manager in the workshop once lost $20 million because he failed to notice stress signals from a broker whose firm was failing. If he had asked, “How are you feeling?” and really listened, he might have picked up on the warning signs.

The takeaway? People don’t just want to be heard; they want to feel understood. The best listeners don’t just absorb information—they engage in conversations that draw out deeper insights.

How Deep Questions Create Connection

Epley found that people often hesitate to ask emotional questions because they fear awkwardness. However, he proved that vulnerability actually fosters stronger bonds. He asked hedge fund managers to pair up and answer three personal questions, including:

“Can you describe a time you cried in front of someone else?”

At first, the audience groaned. But within minutes, the conversations became deeply engaging. Some participants even teared up. By the end of the exercise, people reported feeling more connected to their conversation partners than they expected.

This experiment highlighted a simple truth: Deep questions lead to deep conversations, and deep conversations lead to real connections.

The Power of Emotional Listening

Epley’s journey into emotional listening started with his own struggles. As a teenager, he was arrested twice for drunk driving. His parents gave him heartfelt lectures, trying to convince him to change his behavior—but he ignored them. It wasn’t until a counselor asked him the right questions—“Why were you drinking? What would have happened if you hit someone?”—that he truly started reflecting on his actions.

This experience led him to study a key flaw in human communication: We often assume we understand others without actually asking them how they feel. Instead of trying to take someone else’s perspective, Epley suggests a better approach: perspective-getting. Instead of assuming we know what others think, we should ask and listen carefully to their response.

The Fast Friends Experiment

In 1995, psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron created the Fast Friends Procedure, a list of 36 questions designed to build closeness between strangers. These questions started simple but became increasingly personal, asking about values, regrets, and emotions.

The results were astonishing. After just 60 minutes of answering these questions, 57% of participants stayed in touch, and 35% became close friends. One pair even got married.

The Arons discovered that vulnerability is the key to connection. Questions that asked about beliefs, values, and personal experiences encouraged people to share their emotions, which, in turn, made their conversation partners more willing to open up.

This principle applies everywhere—from workplaces to friendships to marriages. The lesson? If you want to connect with someone, ask them meaningful questions and be willing to share in return.

Why Emotional Connection Matters

Scientists call this process emotional contagion—the tendency for people to unconsciously match the emotions of those around them. Studies show that humans naturally sync their emotional states with those they engage with, whether it’s joy, anger, or sadness. This is why deep conversations create lasting bonds.

However, vulnerability isn’t always socially accepted. Studies have found that men who express emotions like anger or sadness at work are often seen as strong and passionate, while women displaying the same emotions are more likely to be seen as overly emotional or unprofessional. This unfair bias makes it harder for some people to engage in emotional conversations.

Despite this, emotional connection remains a powerful tool. The best leaders, friends, and communicators are those who make others feel seen, heard, and valued.

How to Start Deeper Conversations

Duhigg references a study from Harvard, which found that successful speed daters used specific types of questions to foster connection. Instead of asking factual questions like, “Where do you work?”, they asked emotion-based questions like, “What do you love about your job?” or “What’s the best part of your day?”

These kinds of questions invite vulnerability and create space for deeper dialogue. The study also found that follow-up questions were particularly powerful. They signaled that the listener was engaged and cared about the answer.

This principle applies in all areas of life. If you want to deepen a conversation, try:

• Asking how someone feels about a topic rather than just asking for facts.
• Following up with a question that shows genuine curiosity.
• Reciprocating with your own emotions when someone shares something personal.

The Joy of Reciprocity

Epley conducted another experiment with hedge fund managers, measuring their expectations before and after deep conversations. Before the exercise, most participants expected to feel awkward and disconnected. But after engaging in meaningful dialogue, they reported feeling happier and more connected.

Dozens of other studies confirm this. People who ask deep questions are more liked, more trusted, and more influential. Asking someone about their emotions and reciprocating vulnerability creates an unbreakable sense of trust.

Emotional Listening is Harder Than It Seems

Duhigg shares a personal story about how, after his father’s funeral, very few people asked him about his loss. While they offered condolences, they quickly changed the subject. He realized that most people don’t know how to ask about emotions—either because they fear making the other person uncomfortable or because they’re unsure what to say next.

But research suggests that people want to talk about meaningful experiences—they just need an invitation. Asking something as simple as, “What was your dad like?” can open the door to a profound and healing conversation.

Final Takeaways

• Conversations are deeply shaped by emotions—even when they seem purely logical.
• People crave meaningful conversations, even if they don’t always show it.
• Vulnerability is the foundation of connection. When we share our emotions, we invite others to do the same.
• Asking better questions—ones that focus on feelings, values, and personal experiences—makes conversations more meaningful.
• Follow-up questions show people that we truly care about their responses.
• Emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding emotions—it’s about responding in a way that makes others feel heard.

This section of the book highlights how emotional conversations shape our relationships and our ability to connect with others. The next chapter will explore how to hear unspoken emotions—those communicated through body language, vocal inflections, and subtle cues.

The Who Are We? Conversation

Every conversation isn’t just about the words we exchange—it’s about the histories, backgrounds, and identities we bring to the table. Our social identities shape how we interact, influence our relationships, and even determine how much trust we extend to others.

This section explores the role of social identity in communication. It addresses how our unconscious biases, affiliations, and group memberships affect the way we listen, interpret, and respond. It also tackles how difficult conversations—especially those around race, inequality, and systemic injustice—can be improved when we acknowledge these dynamics.

Our Social Identities Shape Our World

Dr. Jay Rosenbloom, a pediatrician, faced a frustrating reality early in his career: Some parents refused to vaccinate their children, despite overwhelming scientific evidence supporting immunization. His initial instinct was to educate them with facts. He handed out research papers, showed statistics, and emphasized the dangers of skipping vaccines. But no matter how much information he provided, many parents only became more resistant.

One day, a father bluntly rejected a vaccine, insisting it was “poison.” Rosenbloom realized that arguing wasn’t going to change his mind—because the resistance wasn’t about facts. It was about identity. The man didn’t trust vaccines because it clashed with how he saw himself—an independent thinker, someone who didn’t blindly follow authority.

This realization shifted Rosenbloom’s approach. Instead of trying to convince patients, he started trying to connect with them. He acknowledged their concerns, found common ground, and engaged them in conversations that respected their beliefs while offering new perspectives. Over time, this approach proved far more effective in changing minds.

The Power of Social Identity

Social identity is how we see ourselves in relation to the groups we belong to. It’s shaped by our upbringing, culture, politics, and experiences. Research shows that people are naturally inclined to trust those they see as part of their in-group and to be skeptical of those they perceive as outsiders.

A famous 1954 experiment divided a group of boys at a summer camp into two teams. Within days, these arbitrary teams developed deep loyalties. They bonded intensely with their own group and viewed the other as rivals, leading to hostility—even though the groups had been randomly assigned.

This same dynamic plays out in the real world. Political parties, religious affiliations, and even minor affiliations—like sports teams—can shape our trust and biases. We often exaggerate differences between groups and assume those in our own group are more virtuous, intelligent, and trustworthy.

How Identities Can Divide Us

Social identities influence our decisions in ways we don’t always recognize. The anti-vaccine movement, for example, isn’t just about distrust in medicine. It’s fueled by a mix of beliefs: Some people oppose vaccines because they distrust big corporations, others because they fear government control, and some because they believe in an all-natural lifestyle. These individuals might not share much else in common, but their social identity around health choices unites them.

The challenge is that these identities feel deeply personal. Asking someone to change their view on a topic like vaccines, politics, or religion often feels like asking them to abandon a part of themselves. That’s why simply presenting facts doesn’t work. To change minds, we need to first build trust and demonstrate understanding.

Reframing Conversations Around Shared Identities

One of the most effective ways to bridge divides is to highlight shared identities. If two people are arguing about politics, they may never agree on policies—but they might both be parents who want the best for their children. Focusing on that common ground creates an opening for more constructive dialogue.

This is exactly what Rosenbloom started doing with vaccine-hesitant parents. Instead of framing the conversation as doctor vs. skeptical patient, he focused on their shared identity as parents who wanted to protect their children. He asked about their fears, validated their concerns, and subtly reframed vaccines as a tool for keeping their kids safe—rather than a government mandate.

Studies show that when people are reminded of their multiple identities, they become less defensive. For example, an experiment with women taking math tests showed that when they were subtly reminded of the stereotype that “women aren’t good at math,” they performed worse. But when they were reminded of their other identities—such as being creative, hardworking, or part of a strong academic community—they performed as well as men.

How a Soccer League United Enemies

One of the most powerful examples of reshaping social identity comes from a study conducted in Iraq after the devastation caused by ISIS. The Christian and Muslim communities in the city of Qaraqosh had deep-seated resentment toward each other after years of conflict.

To bridge the divide, a researcher organized a soccer league. There was one catch: Half of the teams had to include both Christian and Muslim players.

At first, the teams struggled. Many Christian players refused to even speak to their Muslim teammates. But the structure of the league forced them to work together. Over time, they began seeing each other as teammates first and Christians or Muslims second. By the end of the season, surveys showed a significant shift in attitudes—players were more willing to interact outside of the league, and some even formed friendships.

This experiment demonstrated a key lesson: When people work together toward a common goal, their shared identity can become stronger than their differences.

How to Have a Successful “Who Are We?” Conversation

To engage in meaningful conversations about identity, three strategies can help:

1. Acknowledge that people have multiple identities. Reminding someone that they are more than just one label (e.g., political party, profession, or nationality) makes them less defensive.
2. Create an environment where everyone is on equal footing. Conversations are more productive when no one feels like they are being lectured or dismissed.
3. Highlight shared values and experiences. Focusing on common ground creates a foundation for trust and understanding.

Applying These Lessons to Vaccine Hesitancy

During the COVID-19 pandemic, Rosenbloom and his colleagues used these strategies to increase vaccine acceptance. Instead of arguing with hesitant patients, they engaged in motivational interviewing—asking open-ended questions to understand their concerns and values.

One doctor, for example, spoke with an elderly patient who refused the vaccine, saying he trusted God to protect him. Rather than challenge his faith, the doctor asked about his role as a grandfather. This led to a discussion about keeping his grandchildren safe, which subtly reframed the vaccine as an act of protection rather than compliance. The patient eventually agreed to the shot.

This approach worked because it respected the patient’s identity while introducing a new perspective that aligned with his values.

Final Takeaways

• Social identity plays a huge role in how we communicate, trust, and make decisions.
• People resist changing their views when they feel their identity is under attack.
• Finding shared identities creates a bridge for more productive conversations.
• Changing minds isn’t about debating facts—it’s about building trust.
• Small shifts in how we frame conversations can lead to big changes in attitudes.

Overall, Supercommunicators is a practical guide to improving your communication skills. Duhigg’s insights are easy to understand and apply, making this book a valuable resource for anyone looking to become a better communicator.

4 Key Ideas From Supercommunicators

6 Main Lessons From Supercommunicators

My Book Highlights & Quotes

Our goal, for the most meaningful discussions, should be to have a “learning conversation.” Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn.

Anyone can become a supercommunicator—and, in fact, many of us already are, if we learn to unlock our instincts. We can all learn to hear more clearly, to connect on a deeper level.

Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. If you are speaking emotionally, while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages. (This explains why, when you complain about your boss—“Jim is driving me crazy!”—and your spouse responds with a practical suggestion—“What if you just invited him to lunch?”—it’s more apt to create conflict than connection: “I’m not asking you to solve this! I just want some empathy.”)

When we match someone’s mindset, a permission is granted: To enter another person’s head, to see the world through their eyes, to understand what they care about and need. And we give them permission to understand—and hear—us in return. “Conversations are the most powerful thing on earth,”

We all send clues, as we speak and listen, about what kind of conversation we want. Supercommunicators notice these clues, and think a bit harder about where they hope a conversation will go.

The first step is trying to figure out what each of us wants from a discussion, what we are seeking from this dialogue. That’s how we get at the deeper questions beneath the surface.

Then, once we know what people want from a conversation, we next need to work out how to give it to them—how to engage in a quiet negotiation—so that their needs are met, as well as our own. That requires conducting experiments to reveal how we’ll make decisions together. This is the matching principle at work, recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring and then aligning with others, and inviting them to align with us.

Emotions shape every conversation. They guide what we say and how we hear, often in ways we don’t realize. Every conversation is, in some respect, a discussion about How Do We Feel?

Hearing people describe their emotional lives is important because when we talk about our feelings, we’re describing not just what has happened to us, but why we made certain choices and how we make sense of the world. “When you describe how you feel, you’re giving someone a map of the things you care about.

In contrast, questions that pushed people to describe their beliefs, values, or meaningful experiences tended to result in emotional replies, even if the questions themselves didn’t seem all that emotional. These kinds of questions were powerful because they often prompted people to reveal vulnerabilities. When someone asks “What do you value most in a friendship?” (question sixteen), it might not seem particularly emotionally probing, but it frequently draws unexpectedly revealing replies about past incidents of hurt or betrayal, or expressions of love for friends, or other anxieties or pleasures. Such questions make ever-deepening follow-ups (“What did you say after he broke up with you?”) easy to ask.

In the early 1990s, a series of experiments had shown that humans typically “synchronize their own emotions with the emotions expressed by those around them.” This synchronization is sometimes deliberate, like when we choose to empathize with another person; more often it is automatic, happening outside of our consciousness, causing us to tear up or get angry or proud on someone else’s behalf, whether we want to or not.

There is a cycle: Asking deep questions about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences creates vulnerability. That vulnerability triggers emotional contagion. And that, in turn, helps us connect.

If you want to connect with someone, ask them what they are feeling, and then reveal your own emotions. If others describe a painful memory or a moment of joy, and we reveal our own disappointments or what makes us proud, it provides a chance to harness the neurochemicals that have evolved to help us feel closer. It creates an opportunity for emotional contagion. The How Do We Feel? conversation is a tool that functions by inviting others to reveal their vulnerabilities, and then being vulnerable in return.

This is how to ask emotional questions in the real world: Ask someone how they feel about something, and then follow up with questions that reveal how you feel. It’s the same framework for emotional connection described before, but in a slightly different guise: If we ask questions that push people to think and talk about their values, beliefs, and experiences, and then reciprocate with emotions of our own, we can’t help but listen to one another. “The best listeners aren’t just listening,” said Margaret Clark, the Yale psychologist. “They’re triggering emotions by asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real.”

Some people, however, have a talent for detecting emotions, even when they’re unspoken. They exhibit an emotional intelligence that seems to help them hear what’s unsaid. We all know people like this: Friends who seem to intuit when we’re feeling down, even if we haven’t said anything; managers who sense when a kind word is needed, or a bit of tough love, to help us get over a hump at work. It’s natural to assume these people are unusually observant, or uncommonly sensitive. Sometimes they are. But years of research indicates this is a skill anyone can develop. We can learn to identify the nonverbal clues that indicate someone’s true emotions and use these hints to understand what they are feeling.

Laughter might seem like a strange place to look for emotional intelligence, but, in fact, it’s an example of a basic truth of emotional communication: What’s important is not just hearing another person’s feelings but showing that we have heard them. Laughter is one way of proving that we hear how someone feels.

Simply mirroring someone doesn’t prove that we genuinely want to understand them. If you laugh loudly, and I merely smile, it won’t feel like I want to bond. It will feel like I’m uninterested, or patronizing. What matters isn’t speaking and acting alike, but rather matching one another in ways that convey the desire to align.

A joke might not be funny, but if we both agree to laugh in similar ways, we’re signaling to each other that we want to connect.

One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others’ gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect. They pay attention to whether someone’s posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are so excited they can barely contain it. Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align. They help us see and hear our feelings via their own bodies and voices. By matching our mood and energy, they make it obvious they are trying to connect.

So instead of trying to decipher specific emotions, pay attention to someone’s mood (Do they seem negative or positive?) and their energy level (Are they high energy or low energy?). Then, focus on matching those two attributes—or, if matching will only exacerbate tensions, show that you hear their emotions by acknowledging how they feel. Make it obvious you are working to understand their emotions. And when you, yourself, are expressing your own emotions, notice how others are responding.

When we make it clear to others that we are trying to hear their emotions, when we genuinely try to match or acknowledge their moods and energy, we begin to reciprocate and entrain. We bond.

Every confrontation involves a range of feelings—anxiety, distress, a desire for retribution—that are natural. But these passions can make it impossible to discuss problems in a productive manner. “And if you don’t acknowledge the emotions, then you’ll never understand why you’re fighting,” said Heen. “You’ll never know what this fight is actually about.”

Emotional intelligence comes from showing someone we have heard their emotions. But when we’re in a conflict or a fight, simply showing often isn’t enough. In those moments, everyone is skeptical and untrusting: Are they listening, or just preparing their rebuttal? Something more is needed, an extra step. To convince others we are genuinely listening during an argument, we must prove to them that we have heard them, prove we are working hard to understand, prove we want to see things from their perspective.

So if a listener wants to prove they’re listening, they need to demonstrate it after the speaker finishes talking. If we want to show someone we’re paying attention, we need to prove, once that person has stopped speaking, that we have absorbed what they said. And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right. It’s a fairly simple technique—prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back what you just heard, and then seeking confirmation you understand—but studies show it is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them. It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding.

Among happy couples, however, the desire for control emerged quite differently. Rather than trying to control the other person, happy couples tended to focus, instead, on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.

Emotions impact every conversation, whether we realize it or not. Even when we don’t acknowledge those feelings, they’re still there—and when they are ignored, they’re likely to become obstacles to connection.

It is not our differences that divide us,” wrote the poet and activist Audre Lorde. “It is our ability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences.” The Who Are We? conversation explores how our social identities make us, and the world, a richer place.

Social identities can change how we act, even if we don’t intend them to, even if we wish they didn’t.

Don’t offer unsolicited advice or trumpet your wealth or connections. Seek out topics where everyone has some experience and knowledge, or everyone is a novice. Encourage the quiet to speak and the talkative to listen, so everyone is participating.

In a Who Are We? conversation, invite people to talk about their backgrounds, allegiances, how their communities have shaped them. (“Where are you from? Oh, really? What was it like growing up there?”) Then, reciprocate by describing how you see yourself. (“You know, as a southerner, I think that…”) Finally, avoid the trap of one-dimensionality by evoking all the many identities we all possess as a conversation unfolds: “I hear you saying that, as a lawyer, you support the police, but as a parent, do you worry about cops pulling over your kid?”

Conclusion

Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg is one of those books that really stuck with me, mainly because it showed me how powerful good communication can be.

What I love about Duhigg’s style is how he explains things simply, using stories that feel real and relatable. He doesn’t just tell you how to communicate better; he shows you clearly through examples we’ve all experienced. And when communication goes wrong, he explains exactly why—something I found really helpful.

For me, the best part about this book is that it’s not just focused on work situations. Duhigg shows clearly that becoming a better communicator matters everywhere—in your family, your friendships, and even at home with everyday tasks.

If you’re looking to get better at communicating with the people around you, I’d definitely recommend checking this one out. It’s practical, interesting, and honestly pretty fun to read.

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